Who am I doing this for??

I'm on Perez Hilton today when I see a photo of Kelly Clarkson looking bigger than she probably ever has and I read the snarky comment of Hilton's which says something like she should have stood behind her photo shop picture. I thought, wow that's mean, but at the same time I thought isn't she embarrassed to come out looking like that when she has such a strong media following and knows she'll be ridiculed. I thought, jeez, I'd never get that way in fear of my family not liking me and looking down on me. And then I stopped. I put the kettle on the stove and headed over to my computer. I needed to write about this one. Why do I feel that my family doesn't like me because I'm overweight? Do I really feel that way?......no, I think the problem is I don't have the self-confidence and I think by loosing weight it'll make them like me more. I have such a terrible memory of being 12, the summer before I started junior high. We went to Toronto to visit family and it was a terrible time filled with ridicule from two aunts who I think have their own issues. Plus a brother who used to tease me mercilessly and in general it was a hard trip on me. I felt really unliked. I felt like I was an irritation to so many people. It hurts me now to think about it because I was so little when it was happening around me and I had no idea how to handle it. I can still see that memory through my minds eye and it is dizzying and heart wrenching and just very painful. I think at times I still see the world like that. A place where no one wants to talk to me and where I'm judged on how I look. I even got my first slap across the face from my dad, a real stinger, there and I remember wanting to just die. To run away and be kidnapped and just be out of there. Then, I thought, they'd miss me and feel bad. I've emotionally run away from my parents right now because of these same types of situations. Feeling abandoned and hurt and not knowing how to turn it around. However, on the other side of things, I do feel good having my space and the ability to be on my own and create my own family, my own life, my own way of things. Its a process that I'm going through and its tough. Since I've just started my healthy eating for life I still feel at times like, I am going to fail, this is useless. After, I thought how I've been working hard at loosing weight all these years and its always been to get my family to like me more. Just a compliment from my brother can send me soaring and I don't like the fact that he and other members remain in control of those emotions. Sarosh and I made a difficult decision not to let my parents help out in our buying of a home. The monetary control that they seem to trip off of is too palatable and disturbing to ignore. So I suppose the next step is to start ebbing away from the emotional control that they have. At this point, without any contact with them, its all in my hands and that is something that I definitely want to work on changing. So maybe a part of me still wants to loose weight to "show them". But I hope to graduate from that and eventually realize that by getting to my healthy weight I will have done this soley for me and that's a great thing. Baby steps. Man its a real uphill battle but I'm not giving up.