Veils

Luca came up with a fantastic idea for our outdoor time today! I had packed up his snacks, milk, coffee mug in hand and we were heading to the park when he went outside grabbed his trike and said "I want to go to the beach". I was about to tell him no when I thought, "to hell with it, let's go!" So, off we went, my boy and I and unloaded the trike and started our walk towards the pier, or as Luca calls it, the carnival. We had so much fun looking at the trapeze performers, Ferris wheel, and we both had a good laugh listening to the kids on summer break screaming with abandon as the roller coaster went down the hill.
As I looked around on our walk home I noticed so many overweight people. I'm not trying to be rude or judgmental, I was actually more curious about the whole thing. Why would someone let themselves get so big? Then I turned it internally, "why have I allowed myself to get and stay big for so many years?" Is it a protective layering, a mask of sorts, is it a the comfort of the crap I put into my system? Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to be skinny, healthy and feeling great. Last night whilst blow drying my hair I looked at myself seated on the floor of my closet and saw a giant roll of tummy fat and big thighs and I thought to myself, "jeez, this isn't how I feel at all" I actually feel like a skinny person. If I would never have been shown a mirror I wouldn't guess myself to look like this. So I wondered today about the people on the pier. Did they look like that in their minds eye? Maybe so. Maybe what's kept me from ballooning to an enormous weight is that internally I don't see myself as that. The moment I did, I'd probably gain a lot of weight. As we walked back my hair blew into my face and I was able to see the world through this veil of hair and the weirdest reaction happened. I felt safe. I felt so safe with this veil of hair on my face masking me from people and their judgments. It reminded me of the Muslim women who wear veils. We often comment on how we can't understand when they're in this country why do they still cover up. There is the religious issue yes, but perhaps its also psychological. Coming to a new country, one where they're not particularly embraced, is scary. They face a new language, culture, culture norms and a whole new type of dress. Maybe, I know this sounds far out, but maybe they keep their veils because it keeps them safe. Outside is this judgmental harsh world, and inside their little black burkha all is safe and nothing has changed. Then I got to thinking (yes this was a long walk and my brain is always on) how hard it must be and what a pull it is to be in a country, ever since 9-11, that now wants them to assimilate, some want them to leave, and some want them to take off the damn veil.
Then it occurred to me. My weight, my extra 40 something pounds, is my veil. Because with my layers of fat, no men will leer and make icky comments. No one will try and befriend me, which makes me anxious. No one will have expectations because as they see it, and as I portray it, I've already lost respect for myself. So why should they have respect for me. I don't want to analyze the whys on why I'm fat anymore. Its a lot of things and you know what, its in the past. Its over and today and tomorrow is all that matters. I've got to beat the nasty person in my head who puts me down all the time. Its like I'm riding around town with my enemy. I had chicken today for lunch and although I'm trying my hardest to be vegan, I caved and I started to berate myself because I thought, whats the point, I cooked it in olive oil and so I'll probably loose no weight and what's the point if I'm not on track and perfect everyday. I'm still sitting here beating myself up. But you know what, what I'm doing is for life. There is no final day, its just one day after another. And I've got to fight and I've got to forgive myself and not beat myself up over things that truly have no bloody meaning. So I ate 3 oz of chicken that had been cooked in olive oil. Will I gain a pound over it. Highly unlikely. Have I been on the program all day, yes. Did I exercise? YES!! A walk on the beach. So why am I so hard on myself for the 3 effing ounces of chicken. Would I talk to Sarosh or Luca like this? No, I'd probably say something like "You know what you're being unnecessarily hard on yourself and you're doing so well, don't beat yourself up because I believe in you." So Shireen, I believe in you, keep going and look forward. Strip off your veil and forgive yourself and most of all, like you tell Luca everyday, be kind, be nice.