Such a sad day. Michael Jackson passed away today and my heart feels so very heavy. I revered him as a child and will always cherish the music he gave to the world. What a gift.
So, tomorrow begins a new day. I'm starting the WW points system. Since I like Lynn's blog I wanted to try something new and shake up my routine.
Menu Plan:
B: egg white omlet 1/2c eggwhites, 1/4c mushrooms, 1/2 tsp earth balance, 1 slice whole wheat toast
L: 4 slices chicken breast (sara lee), 1 slice whole wheat bread, 1/2tsp mayonnaise, 4c salad 1 tsp olive oil
S: 1 1/2c strawberries, 1/2c low fat yogurt
D: 3oz chicken breast, 1c lentil salad, 4c salad, 1 tsp olive oil
S: 2 oranges, 1/2c yogurt, 1oz walnuts
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Day 3 done!
So I'm starting to feel very hungry for the bad stuff and I just read on Lynn's blog how sometimes we have to get "all mom on ourselves" and enforce the fact that we can't eat the crap. I also loved her point on binge food versus comfort food. Basically she said that there are some foods we just loose our shit over and can't stop eating and other foods that taste great but that we'll only eat our designated portion and feel comforted and satisfied. It got me thinking about the foods that I loose my shit over. And boy is my list long;
1. bread- any kind especially with butter...now I'm drooling.
2. pasta
3. cookies, cakes, cupcakes, basically sweets.
So, I think even when I get to the point when I give myself small "treats" I'll have to stay away from the above list because I cannot stop myself when eating them. Overeating is such a bad addiction. I never thought I had an addictive personality but I guess I do. The fact that I am a former smoker convinces me that I'll be able to quit this damn food addiction too. I think its great to identify the trigger foods and trigger moments and then be sure I stay away from it. Having Luca's food around is sometimes difficult since I'm so tempted but I'm going to start "mommying" myself and journaling journaling journaling. I'm learning so many things about myself and my behaviors and where they come from and I think its so helpful.
1. bread- any kind especially with butter...now I'm drooling.
2. pasta
3. cookies, cakes, cupcakes, basically sweets.
So, I think even when I get to the point when I give myself small "treats" I'll have to stay away from the above list because I cannot stop myself when eating them. Overeating is such a bad addiction. I never thought I had an addictive personality but I guess I do. The fact that I am a former smoker convinces me that I'll be able to quit this damn food addiction too. I think its great to identify the trigger foods and trigger moments and then be sure I stay away from it. Having Luca's food around is sometimes difficult since I'm so tempted but I'm going to start "mommying" myself and journaling journaling journaling. I'm learning so many things about myself and my behaviors and where they come from and I think its so helpful.
Who am I doing this for??
I'm on Perez Hilton today when I see a photo of Kelly Clarkson looking bigger than she probably ever has and I read the snarky comment of Hilton's which says something like she should have stood behind her photo shop picture. I thought, wow that's mean, but at the same time I thought isn't she embarrassed to come out looking like that when she has such a strong media following and knows she'll be ridiculed. I thought, jeez, I'd never get that way in fear of my family not liking me and looking down on me. And then I stopped. I put the kettle on the stove and headed over to my computer. I needed to write about this one. Why do I feel that my family doesn't like me because I'm overweight? Do I really feel that way?......no, I think the problem is I don't have the self-confidence and I think by loosing weight it'll make them like me more. I have such a terrible memory of being 12, the summer before I started junior high. We went to Toronto to visit family and it was a terrible time filled with ridicule from two aunts who I think have their own issues. Plus a brother who used to tease me mercilessly and in general it was a hard trip on me. I felt really unliked. I felt like I was an irritation to so many people. It hurts me now to think about it because I was so little when it was happening around me and I had no idea how to handle it. I can still see that memory through my minds eye and it is dizzying and heart wrenching and just very painful. I think at times I still see the world like that. A place where no one wants to talk to me and where I'm judged on how I look. I even got my first slap across the face from my dad, a real stinger, there and I remember wanting to just die. To run away and be kidnapped and just be out of there. Then, I thought, they'd miss me and feel bad. I've emotionally run away from my parents right now because of these same types of situations. Feeling abandoned and hurt and not knowing how to turn it around. However, on the other side of things, I do feel good having my space and the ability to be on my own and create my own family, my own life, my own way of things. Its a process that I'm going through and its tough. Since I've just started my healthy eating for life I still feel at times like, I am going to fail, this is useless. After, I thought how I've been working hard at loosing weight all these years and its always been to get my family to like me more. Just a compliment from my brother can send me soaring and I don't like the fact that he and other members remain in control of those emotions. Sarosh and I made a difficult decision not to let my parents help out in our buying of a home. The monetary control that they seem to trip off of is too palatable and disturbing to ignore. So I suppose the next step is to start ebbing away from the emotional control that they have. At this point, without any contact with them, its all in my hands and that is something that I definitely want to work on changing. So maybe a part of me still wants to loose weight to "show them". But I hope to graduate from that and eventually realize that by getting to my healthy weight I will have done this soley for me and that's a great thing. Baby steps. Man its a real uphill battle but I'm not giving up.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
End of the day
Its the end of day two and I'm feeling good. A little bloated and craving the bread but I think that's from very poor sleep so off to bed I go. I can't wait to see Luca in the morning and take him to toddler group. Maybe afterwards we'll go watch the planes at the SM airport before heading home for lunch. Here's the plan for tomorrow.
Breakfast: eyou smoothie
Lunch: 2c salad, 1c hummus, 1c brown rice
Dinner: 4oz tofu, 1c broccoli, 1c salad, 1c brown rice
Snack: 1/2c soymilk, 1/2c frozen red cherries
20 min on the elliptical
Breakfast: eyou smoothie
Lunch: 2c salad, 1c hummus, 1c brown rice
Dinner: 4oz tofu, 1c broccoli, 1c salad, 1c brown rice
Snack: 1/2c soymilk, 1/2c frozen red cherries
20 min on the elliptical
Habits of Skinny People
Ok...I know I just posted but I had a great train of thought going and had to write it down.
I've always been under the misconception that skinny people eat whatever they want and are just skinny naturally. Then I'd envy them, damn skinny people and their metabolism. Then I'd think, eff it its just not in me to be skinny. Then I'd down a couple of frozen oatmeal cookies and call it a day. But I got to thinking after my post that their were a lot of skinny people at the beach too. And they all had huge bottles of water, were working out and had no in n' out in sight. So....HELLO! Its constant work to be skinny, its a lifestyle not just a thyroid blessing. So here's what I plan to do. I plan to implement the habits of skinny people into my life as if I were skinny. Maybe it'll rub off.... :0)
1) Always have water
2) work-out as a fun activity...
I've always been under the misconception that skinny people eat whatever they want and are just skinny naturally. Then I'd envy them, damn skinny people and their metabolism. Then I'd think, eff it its just not in me to be skinny. Then I'd down a couple of frozen oatmeal cookies and call it a day. But I got to thinking after my post that their were a lot of skinny people at the beach too. And they all had huge bottles of water, were working out and had no in n' out in sight. So....HELLO! Its constant work to be skinny, its a lifestyle not just a thyroid blessing. So here's what I plan to do. I plan to implement the habits of skinny people into my life as if I were skinny. Maybe it'll rub off.... :0)
1) Always have water
2) work-out as a fun activity...
Veils
Luca came up with a fantastic idea for our outdoor time today! I had packed up his snacks, milk, coffee mug in hand and we were heading to the park when he went outside grabbed his trike and said "I want to go to the beach". I was about to tell him no when I thought, "to hell with it, let's go!" So, off we went, my boy and I and unloaded the trike and started our walk towards the pier, or as Luca calls it, the carnival. We had so much fun looking at the trapeze performers, Ferris wheel, and we both had a good laugh listening to the kids on summer break screaming with abandon as the roller coaster went down the hill.
As I looked around on our walk home I noticed so many overweight people. I'm not trying to be rude or judgmental, I was actually more curious about the whole thing. Why would someone let themselves get so big? Then I turned it internally, "why have I allowed myself to get and stay big for so many years?" Is it a protective layering, a mask of sorts, is it a the comfort of the crap I put into my system? Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to be skinny, healthy and feeling great. Last night whilst blow drying my hair I looked at myself seated on the floor of my closet and saw a giant roll of tummy fat and big thighs and I thought to myself, "jeez, this isn't how I feel at all" I actually feel like a skinny person. If I would never have been shown a mirror I wouldn't guess myself to look like this. So I wondered today about the people on the pier. Did they look like that in their minds eye? Maybe so. Maybe what's kept me from ballooning to an enormous weight is that internally I don't see myself as that. The moment I did, I'd probably gain a lot of weight. As we walked back my hair blew into my face and I was able to see the world through this veil of hair and the weirdest reaction happened. I felt safe. I felt so safe with this veil of hair on my face masking me from people and their judgments. It reminded me of the Muslim women who wear veils. We often comment on how we can't understand when they're in this country why do they still cover up. There is the religious issue yes, but perhaps its also psychological. Coming to a new country, one where they're not particularly embraced, is scary. They face a new language, culture, culture norms and a whole new type of dress. Maybe, I know this sounds far out, but maybe they keep their veils because it keeps them safe. Outside is this judgmental harsh world, and inside their little black burkha all is safe and nothing has changed. Then I got to thinking (yes this was a long walk and my brain is always on) how hard it must be and what a pull it is to be in a country, ever since 9-11, that now wants them to assimilate, some want them to leave, and some want them to take off the damn veil.
Then it occurred to me. My weight, my extra 40 something pounds, is my veil. Because with my layers of fat, no men will leer and make icky comments. No one will try and befriend me, which makes me anxious. No one will have expectations because as they see it, and as I portray it, I've already lost respect for myself. So why should they have respect for me. I don't want to analyze the whys on why I'm fat anymore. Its a lot of things and you know what, its in the past. Its over and today and tomorrow is all that matters. I've got to beat the nasty person in my head who puts me down all the time. Its like I'm riding around town with my enemy. I had chicken today for lunch and although I'm trying my hardest to be vegan, I caved and I started to berate myself because I thought, whats the point, I cooked it in olive oil and so I'll probably loose no weight and what's the point if I'm not on track and perfect everyday. I'm still sitting here beating myself up. But you know what, what I'm doing is for life. There is no final day, its just one day after another. And I've got to fight and I've got to forgive myself and not beat myself up over things that truly have no bloody meaning. So I ate 3 oz of chicken that had been cooked in olive oil. Will I gain a pound over it. Highly unlikely. Have I been on the program all day, yes. Did I exercise? YES!! A walk on the beach. So why am I so hard on myself for the 3 effing ounces of chicken. Would I talk to Sarosh or Luca like this? No, I'd probably say something like "You know what you're being unnecessarily hard on yourself and you're doing so well, don't beat yourself up because I believe in you." So Shireen, I believe in you, keep going and look forward. Strip off your veil and forgive yourself and most of all, like you tell Luca everyday, be kind, be nice.
As I looked around on our walk home I noticed so many overweight people. I'm not trying to be rude or judgmental, I was actually more curious about the whole thing. Why would someone let themselves get so big? Then I turned it internally, "why have I allowed myself to get and stay big for so many years?" Is it a protective layering, a mask of sorts, is it a the comfort of the crap I put into my system? Maybe I feel like I don't deserve to be skinny, healthy and feeling great. Last night whilst blow drying my hair I looked at myself seated on the floor of my closet and saw a giant roll of tummy fat and big thighs and I thought to myself, "jeez, this isn't how I feel at all" I actually feel like a skinny person. If I would never have been shown a mirror I wouldn't guess myself to look like this. So I wondered today about the people on the pier. Did they look like that in their minds eye? Maybe so. Maybe what's kept me from ballooning to an enormous weight is that internally I don't see myself as that. The moment I did, I'd probably gain a lot of weight. As we walked back my hair blew into my face and I was able to see the world through this veil of hair and the weirdest reaction happened. I felt safe. I felt so safe with this veil of hair on my face masking me from people and their judgments. It reminded me of the Muslim women who wear veils. We often comment on how we can't understand when they're in this country why do they still cover up. There is the religious issue yes, but perhaps its also psychological. Coming to a new country, one where they're not particularly embraced, is scary. They face a new language, culture, culture norms and a whole new type of dress. Maybe, I know this sounds far out, but maybe they keep their veils because it keeps them safe. Outside is this judgmental harsh world, and inside their little black burkha all is safe and nothing has changed. Then I got to thinking (yes this was a long walk and my brain is always on) how hard it must be and what a pull it is to be in a country, ever since 9-11, that now wants them to assimilate, some want them to leave, and some want them to take off the damn veil.
Then it occurred to me. My weight, my extra 40 something pounds, is my veil. Because with my layers of fat, no men will leer and make icky comments. No one will try and befriend me, which makes me anxious. No one will have expectations because as they see it, and as I portray it, I've already lost respect for myself. So why should they have respect for me. I don't want to analyze the whys on why I'm fat anymore. Its a lot of things and you know what, its in the past. Its over and today and tomorrow is all that matters. I've got to beat the nasty person in my head who puts me down all the time. Its like I'm riding around town with my enemy. I had chicken today for lunch and although I'm trying my hardest to be vegan, I caved and I started to berate myself because I thought, whats the point, I cooked it in olive oil and so I'll probably loose no weight and what's the point if I'm not on track and perfect everyday. I'm still sitting here beating myself up. But you know what, what I'm doing is for life. There is no final day, its just one day after another. And I've got to fight and I've got to forgive myself and not beat myself up over things that truly have no bloody meaning. So I ate 3 oz of chicken that had been cooked in olive oil. Will I gain a pound over it. Highly unlikely. Have I been on the program all day, yes. Did I exercise? YES!! A walk on the beach. So why am I so hard on myself for the 3 effing ounces of chicken. Would I talk to Sarosh or Luca like this? No, I'd probably say something like "You know what you're being unnecessarily hard on yourself and you're doing so well, don't beat yourself up because I believe in you." So Shireen, I believe in you, keep going and look forward. Strip off your veil and forgive yourself and most of all, like you tell Luca everyday, be kind, be nice.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The End of the 1st day
I'm cuddled up in bed ready for a nice clip of sleep. I didn't get to the belly-off workout today but I did do a great 20 minute elliptical work out which burned off 165 calories. I also took the time to groom myself and spoiled myself. Something I haven't done in forever. I'm proud of my first day. Its a great example of how with good food and exercise I can feel amazing. I read up on my ideal weight which is supposed to be between 106 and 116. I've never been that low but I suspect that my low energy, fatigue and depression/anxiety may have something to do with me being almost 50 lbs over my ideal weight. It's going to be challenging but I will get to that weight. Ok meal and exercise plan for tomorrow.
Breakfast- Eyou smoothie
Lunch- 2c salad, 4oz tofu, 1c black beans
Dinner- 1c broccoli, 1c salad, 1c hummus, 4oz tofu
Snack- 1/2c soymilk, 1/2c dark cherries.
Workout- belly-off work-out
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
